I am currently dealing with a person's control drama. Yesterday as I was doing my Reiki self heal, the guides popped an idea in my head to share my experience on here. When I finished my session, I drew a card from my animal medicine cards and it was the Wolf, the teacher!!! The message was to share what I am learning to guide others, so here it is!!!
Dealing with a control drama is an incredible opportunity for me to practice compassion, stand in my power, have clear boundaries and to express righteous anger if needed. It is also a great chance for me to check in on myself and see if and where I may be running my own control dramas. I have asked myself: Has this person turned from being friendly to blaming and attacking to show me something about my own behaviour I am in denial about? It has been a real growth process but also challenging experience for which I am very grateful.
In checking in on my own behaviour, I have been reviewing how I used to behave before I started working on myself. I used to run control dramas on people every day! Why? Well that took years to work out with the guidance and leadership of my amazing mentor Susie Anthony. Susie helped me to understand I ran control dramas because I was attempting to feed off other people's energy whenever I felt tired, vulnerable, out of balance, afraid, angry, depressed, you name it, there was always a reason. In doing so, I was blaming and attacking other people for my state, for the life I had created for myself, for my emotions, my thoughts, my experiences - it was everyone else's fault. As I blamed other people for how I was feeling, I then attacked them for making my life miserable. I thought (mistakenly) that I was a victim of other people's injustices...how could they treat me that way? That's the sort of false belief sentences that were running through my mind regularly.
What Susie helped me to see was that I was the one who was making everyone else's life miserable!!! Ever heard the phrases: 'Spot it, you got it' or 'Pot kettle black'? I was doing the attacking, blaming, energy stealing, I was bullying and putting people into states of fear by just being in the room whenever I felt off centre. I (unconsciously) thought I was SO important that everyone should pay attention to me, should follow my instructions, that I should have an opinion about everyone around me and if it wasn't taken into account, then I would be 'hurt' and take it personally. I was a mess!!! No wonder my life wasn't working! I was living from a place of fear and separation and I was miserable.
With Susie's guidance I came to understand that through my negative judging attacking thoughts ('can't believe she's wearing that', 'how could they treat me like that', 'it's your fault', 'I'm soooo tired today', 'I'll never be able to do that', 'I'm terrified of making a mistake' etc), I was depleting my own energy and then needing to steal more from others - and voila, you have the perfect scenario for a control drama. Note the word CONTROL - what I was trying to control was the flow of energy between myself and others. When you behave in a way that leaves another person feeling unloved, a control for energy ensues. We all need energy to survive. Think how you feel when you've missed a few meals - you feel weary and weak. Well the same thing happens on a purely energetic level. We all need some form of energy to survive, we are filled with it when we are born - think of the beautiful energy of a new born baby - and we lose our connection to that energy as we start to experience pain. So we have this innate need to keep finding it. That's where control dramas become relevant in our lives. By acting unloving towards another - by being aloof, angry, aggressive, a doormat, victim, fixer, interrogator (endless questions), talking incessantly even when no-one's interested etc, we attempt to put others in a state of worry, concern or anger. They start wondering what's caused us to behave this way...have they done something wrong, is it their fault? This is particularly relevant in relationships, between parents and their children. Children want to be loved by their parents. If any of the behaviour patterns above are run by parents on their children (who happen to be a lovely fat juicy source of energy because they are still open energetically), the children starting second guessing what they have done to make Mum or Dad stop loving them. While they are thinking this, they are sending lots of energy to their parents as thoughts carry energy. The parents are feeding off this energy, which gives them a good feeling. So the parent repeats the behaviour to get that energy boost. The child meanwhile is trying to work out how they can get energy from the parent - what type of behaviour will get approval and therefore loving energy? If they can't work that out, and they are readily punished for misbehaviour, they will misbehave because any attention (energy) is better than none. As children grow up, they learn how to behave in the world by watching their parents. They start to repeat the energy stealing behaviour patterns of their parents. That's when things really kick off!!! Why is that?
Well if there's one thing that really pushes our buttons, it's seeing our own denied energy stealing patterns mirrored back to us. The reason it pushes our buttons so badly is because deep down we know what we're doing and we don't like that we're behaving that way, so when we see it in another person, we attack it instead of taking self-responsibility for how we are hurting others. I can share this as a truth because I have recognised and transformed this in myself (with a LOT of help from my mentor Susie). So when parents start to notice their own denied energy stealing patterns learned by their children, and they don't choose to see that it is their own behaviour denied, they attack (and probably call it punishment) their children instead of taking self-responsibility. I have seen it SOOOO many times. And to be honest, I feel angry about it. I feel a deep need to share this information with adults to help them to take self responsibility, to stop hurting their children, to create a generation who are an upgrade of themselves - isn't that what we're here to do? To create a better version of ourselves?
So this is why the Wolf came to me in the animal medicine cards yesterday - share what I have been taught, lived, transformed authentically so that we can create more love on this planet.
The key is - if your goal is to stop stealing energy from others, where are you going to get it from? Well for me, the answer is Reiki. A Reiki self healing transforms me from a potential energy stealer to an energy giver. As I'm sending beautiful Reiki energy into each chakra, I can feel my state transforming from one of edginess, busy-ness, distracted mentally, to one of peace, calm, loving thoughts, single pointed focus, clarity and just plain feeling great!!! I also receive clarity on situations that I haven't been able to resolve, answers just pop into my head because I have changed my energetic state to one where I can 'tune in' to my own incredible powerful intuition. Those messages can't come through when we are in a state of stress and chaos, because they vibrate at a higher frequency.
The other key is self-responsibility - taking stock. How have I behaved today? Have I been compassionate and loving, or have I been hurtful towards anyone today? Did I lose my cool? Did I miss the expression on someone's face when I was so direct (I have a habit of being brutally direct!) Did someone need my help and I missed it because I was too busy to notice? These are SUCH important questions to ask ourselves, because they are the KEY to having an amazing life. If we miss these moments, resentments and anger build up in our relationships. If not dealt with in the moment, these can lead to fights, hurting others, depression, breakdown of families and friendships. It also magnetises people into our lives who operate on the same energy wavelength. Whatever types of behaviours we run, we'll draw people into our lives who run the same behaviours, because that's why we're here - to learn to transform those behaviours and other people running our denied behaviours are our greatest teachers!!! So the universe is sending them to you to help you wake up and change your behaviour and through this, change your life for the better!!! Isn't it amazing?!?! Makes life really interesting.
So the next time you're thinking you can't believe someone could 'act that way', take a moment, turn that thought inward and ask yourself 'Have I ever acted that way, anywhere, at any time in my life?' If that answer is yes (and if you're really annoyed and upset about the behaviour, it is ALWAYS yes), well then that person has done you a huge favour by upsetting you. They are showing you a part of your behaviour you don't like. Use that opportunity to do the following:
- Own that you run that behaviour to yourself
- Ask yourself 'how do I feel when other people treat me that way'? This is key. If you don't acknowledge how bad it feels, you won't feel the shame, and that shame is the fuel to use to stop yourself behaving that way again. ALWAYS step into the other's person's shoes to see how it feels to be on the receiving end of that behaviour.
- Take responsibility. Go to the people you've treated that way and own your behaviour and apologise. Be totally authentic about your experience - tell them you've realised how awful it must feel to be on the receiving end and you are deeply sorry. It doesn't matter how that person reacts. They may get really angry with you - and it may be really justified, it may not - that's not for you to judge. You are just doing this to transform your own behaviour.
- Make amends!!! This is the most important part. By running the energy stealing behaviour pattern, you have taken energy from your target. It's time to balance things up and give that energy back. What can you do to give it back? Spend time with them? Do a household chore they would normally do? Do something that takes time and effort. This will truly show YOU that you mean it. And you will feel GREAT as this is the most important part of taking ownership and therefore starting to transforming this behaviour.
- Finally, how can you use this behaviour constructively in your life? My main denied energy stealing pattern was bullying people. I used it to put people in states of fear and that really gave me an energy boost. Once I'd gone through the process above with all the people I'd affected, I realised I could use that 'tough' part of my behaviour to confront injustice!!! So it wasn't a bad thing to have this behaviour, I just needed to use it constructively.
So back to my own personal experience over the last few weeks. The control drama. I have had to work hard to stay in compassion, but I have also confronted and when I realised there would be no resolution, I let it go. The minute I did, the universe brought me a great gift which showed me I was on the right path. Phew!!!
This is what I have learned and lived and it is MY PASSION to transform myself and help others to do the same so we can live a magical life of great relationships, peace, empowerment, following our bliss and waking up each morning and feeling excited about the day ahead. That is a completely different place to where I was 13 years ago when I started this transformative journey.
If you would like to create a magical life, I would love to help you. Just let me know!